Natural anxiety from simply being older. That was the easy part of my 35th year so far. As my birthday came to an end, the flu hit, and went on a week long battle with the "Rhino Flu". Made me weak both mentally and physically, and triggered even more anxiety accompanied with some panic attacks. Life changing, personal moments came about. My mother and I have never mixed, and was only solidified upon one of her visits. And then finally, my baby girl turned 4 on Halloween. My way better half and I tried to give her a nice day and go trick or treating while battling stomach issues. We made it through it though.
It is now November 1st. A lot of things are better now. A lot of room for improvement, but better than it was. I still worry (and panic) that things won't improve, most notably myself, and that I will lose everything (and everyone) that I truly love. The list is super short, but even a single name leaving would be paralyzing. But, despite all of that there is this new feeling of hope. I actually see a future now. It isn't full of money and all those things, but more of a realization that at the end of the day if I have my little family then I have not only more than most, but I have literally everything I want and need. Something that I should have always realized, but I at least now feel that I do deserve them. And that has truly helped me in ways that I can't explain.
Now it is on me to show that I am as good as I say. I make mistakes along the way, but the self destructiveness that stems from them are finished. Everyone makes mistakes, it is how things are handled after that matter. I pride myself in that I continually learn, which is truly the sign of intelligence at the end of the day. I pride myself in just how much I love my children and their mother. I don't always show it, but there is nothing that would stop me from caring and loving them.
No real point to any of this. Mainly just for myself to unload a little. Another thing I plan to work on, no more bottling things up. If it bugs me, I am a) entitled to my own feelings and thoughts, and b) history has shown that is doesn't work out well when I am forced to be fake. Like I said no real point. Ryan's back, and nobody even knows just how long he's been gone.
It is now November 1st. A lot of things are better now. A lot of room for improvement, but better than it was. I still worry (and panic) that things won't improve, most notably myself, and that I will lose everything (and everyone) that I truly love. The list is super short, but even a single name leaving would be paralyzing. But, despite all of that there is this new feeling of hope. I actually see a future now. It isn't full of money and all those things, but more of a realization that at the end of the day if I have my little family then I have not only more than most, but I have literally everything I want and need. Something that I should have always realized, but I at least now feel that I do deserve them. And that has truly helped me in ways that I can't explain.Now it is on me to show that I am as good as I say. I make mistakes along the way, but the self destructiveness that stems from them are finished. Everyone makes mistakes, it is how things are handled after that matter. I pride myself in that I continually learn, which is truly the sign of intelligence at the end of the day. I pride myself in just how much I love my children and their mother. I don't always show it, but there is nothing that would stop me from caring and loving them.
No real point to any of this. Mainly just for myself to unload a little. Another thing I plan to work on, no more bottling things up. If it bugs me, I am a) entitled to my own feelings and thoughts, and b) history has shown that is doesn't work out well when I am forced to be fake. Like I said no real point. Ryan's back, and nobody even knows just how long he's been gone.
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